


The Half of Us

by iscreamcones



Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Trainee
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:07:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25499566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iscreamcones/pseuds/iscreamcones
Summary: A life without you. A life without happiness, anger or sorrow. All the emotions you give me which makes life, life. A life without you wouldn’t be living. Every day a mechanical passing of time. I don’t know how I’d be able to sleep or eat without you by my side. Who’d cuddle me and sing me to sleep when the thunderstorms hit?
Relationships: Bae Joohyun | Irene/Kang Seulgi, aseul
Kudos: 7





	The Half of Us

A life without you. A life without happiness, anger or sorrow. All the emotions you give me which makes life, life. A life without you wouldn’t be living. Every day a mechanical passing of time. I don’t know how I’d be able to sleep or eat without you by my side. Who’d cuddle me and sing me to sleep when the thunderstorms hit? Who’d go to the tteoboki restaurant with me after training practices? There’ll be no one to fight over food with because you wouldn’t even be there. 

Had it not been for you through the years, I’d be a fragment of parts because there’d be no one to piece me back into one when I crumble and fall. The nights I practiced so hard when no one was watching, so hard till my ankle gave in. How your voice quavered as you saw me on the floor, huddled into a ball of frenzy, in pain. I fucking hated myself for being so god damn weak and useless, for being so incapable of being better. I had tried to improve myself, I really did. But all efforts futile. I didn’t know how to pick myself up from that. They told me I wouldn’t be able to dance for months because I had tore my ligament. I’d be a liability to everyone. All the trainees who were depending on me for the choreography, all our teachers who had such high expectations of us. All the raised hopes and expectations. And yet, because of my one stupid mistake, I’d disappoint every single one of them. 

Maybe the idol life just wasn’t meant for me, and I wasn’t meant for it either. I wanted to leave this life behind, to end it once and for all, to live a normal life. Go to university, get a boring office job, get married, have children, grow old and be content with that. 

But then I remembered you. 

“Unnie? Joohyun unnie?” You approached, squatting down beside me. You ran your fingers through my hair, gently soothing the nerves. I don’t know why but something about you always made me feel calm. I can’t pinpoint it specifically, but maybe it’s the way you utter the words “Joohyun unnie” which calm me down. Your voice melodious octaves of music to my ears, distracting me from the internal chaos that was wreaking havoc, the voices in my head screaming and screeching. 

I looked up at you, at your worried eyes. Those worried eyes which screamed “Why were you so stupid to do something like that? Why did you hurt yourself? Why didn’t you tell me anything? Why did you put yourself through this? Why wasn’t I a a part of this?” And in them, I saw that you were hurt too. Hurt that I had been keeping everything from you, that I didn’t trust you enough to tell you anything at all. It wasn’t that actually, I trust you. Very much. Have always did. 

“I’m sorry, I just didn’t want you to worry,” my head hung low in shame and guilt as the hot tears trickled down my cheeks, staining the white dinosaur t-shirt I was wearing. The t-shirt I had stolen from your closet and worn so much it practically became mine. 

“I know, I know.” There was no exchanging of words. I didn’t have to say a word, and yet you understood. We understood and knew each other like the back of our hands. I felt your fingers reaching towards my tear-stained cheek, caressing and stopping the stream of tears. You looked me in the eye, your gaze unwavering. A part of me wished that you would just pull me into your arms, embrace and engulf me in your comforting scents of milk and honey. Yet, part of me didn’t want that to happen. Because, you wouldn’t be the Seulgi that I know and love if you did. 

You were there every step of the way throughout my journey of recovery. You accompanied me to the physiotherapist every week even though you were already so busy with school and training because my parents were too busy with their jobs, and you didn’t want me alone in this. When I couldn’t dance, you took on extra singing lessons on top of your dancing and acting classes so I wouldn’t feel lonely. Because I had difficulty walking, you moved into the dorms with me. You cooked me meals, even though you could barely cut a carrot, bought me ice-cream, helped me to the toilet every single time so I wouldn’t fall and you took care of me.

The parts of me which only exist because of you, because you never gave up on me when everyone else did, even when I did. 

I don’t think you know how much you mean to me really, how I would give up everything just for you. That’s not changed, it’s the only constant about us through the years. I watched you grow from an insecure little girl who was so afraid she couldn’t even eat before a performance, from the girl who lost her voice and couldn’t utter the word “unnie” for months, to the confident woman you are today. Every time I see you on stage, I can’t help but be awed. How you command the stage, the audience, how your presence practically oozes charisma. And I’m so proud of you for that. 

As we await our turn to perform our subunit debut stage, Monster, you sit opposite me staring at your phone and laughing away at cat videos. Unaware that you were the one I was staring at. Or maybe you were just so accustomed to it that you were comfortable with me staring at you. Everything you did was so adorable to me. Your “heheh” laughter, the way your eyes crease into a moon when you smile, how your nose crinkles when bursts of laughter erupt from your lips. I can’t help but to feel a magnetic pull towards you, can’t help but stare.

“Why do you keep staring at me?” You asked, one out of the many times we went to the company’s rooftop as trainees. I wish we still did that sometimes. 

“I don’t know,” earning a laughter and a slap on the shoulder from you. 

“I really don’t! You’re just so beautiful, that’s all.” I had expected you to slap me again, maybe on the arm this time as you always do. Instead, you cried. Letting out the most heart-wrenching sobs I’d ever heard. Your body shaking as they left you. Tears you had been holding back for the entire day after the harsh scoldings for not being good enough. 

“Why are you crying?” I knew why, but still asked anyway. I put my arm over your shoulder, pulling you closer towards me. You nuzzled your head in my neck, your hot tears staining my skin.

“I’m...I’m just so scared. What if you’re the only one who thinks I’m beautiful? If everyone else thought so too, then why have I been a trainee for the past 7 years? Why did Krystal, Amber, Sulli, Jongin, Sunyoung debut, why everyone but us? Why are we the only two left?” Your voice cracking and quivering as the hurried sobs escaped out of your throat. 

I didn’t want this to be one of those nights again. But because you cried, I started crying too. 

Those feelings of uncertainty, fear and hopelessness we harboured still haunts me till this day. Despite how successful we’ve become, those days always remind me of what we’ve sacrificed to become who we are today. And I’d do it all over again. Because it’s with you. 

“Irene and Seulgi, it’s your turn to perform!”


End file.
